


Regular Maintenance

by rhysgore



Category: Metal Gear
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Robot pussy, Sexual Humor, im fuckin weak, no actual sexual content but it is discussed in a fair amount of detail
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-23
Updated: 2016-10-23
Packaged: 2018-08-24 06:14:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8360530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rhysgore/pseuds/rhysgore
Summary: “Jack, hit me.”
Raiden’s nose wrinkled. “I told you, no sex until you clean yourself up.”
“Please just do it. I need to make sure I am not still dreaming.”
-
sam discovers something about raiden's body





	

**Author's Note:**

> a thinly veiled parody of a scene from archer ep. 3x11 which i. have no excuses for. wanted to write some domestic-y thunderthighs and this joke was the only thing on my mind for an entire 6 hours at work the other day lmao. ostensibly takes place in the same universe as "$19.99" but not terribly connected to it.

No matter how many times it happened, Sam was sure he would never get tired of waking up next to Raiden. The warm and solid feel of his body, the smell of his hair and skin, and the sight of the face he’d come to be so fond of swimming into view as he blinked to clear his vision- they all made his morning immediately brighter. 

 

Maybe it was a little sappy, but he could afford to be sappy on occasion. Especially when it came to Raiden.

 

Yawning, he propped his head up on the pillows, smiling lazily at the man in question, who was already awake, sitting with his back against the headboard against the headboard, reading. As Sam watched, metal fingers delicately flipped the page, Raiden’s eyes scanning quickly down the text.

 

“Good morning,” Sam mumbled, voice still rough from sleep. His body was pleasantly sore from sleep, the kind of grogginess that he was comfortably used to, complete with morning wood pressing insistently against the bed beneath him.

 

“Hey,” Raiden replied, not bothering to look in Sam’s direction. It didn’t matter that he was in his robotic body, required less sleep, and had probably woken up several hours ago- he was still  _ not _ a morning person, and made sure everyone around him knew it. “I made coffee.”

 

“You are wonderful.” Sam sat up fully, stretching out his arm. His erection was still making itself known, and there was no way Raiden wouldn’t have noticed the tent in his boxers by now. Maybe there was a way to both deal with that particular issue and solve Raiden’s poor mood at the same time.

 

Sam leaned forwards in an attempt to kiss Raiden on the cheek, only to find himself blocked by a hand pressed against his mouth.

 

Raiden spared him a glance this time, mouth twisting in mild disgust. “Your breath stinks,” he said. “Go brush your teeth, and then  _ maybe.” _

 

Well, it was no guarantee, but it was at least enough to get Sam out of bed, laughing good-naturedly Raiden’s under-the-breath comment about him thinking through his dick.

 

“If you were less attractive, perhaps I would not be having this problem,” he teased right back as he walked into the bathroom. “After all, it’s not my fault that-” his voice cut off abruptly as he looked into the sink. “That- that- uh…” Sam gulped, staring. “Um.”

 

He walked back into the bedroom, feeling slightly dizzy. Raiden looked up from his book again, raising an eyebrow.

 

“Somehow I doubt you were able to brush effectively in under ten seconds.” The words registered a moment late in Sam’s mind, and he blinked, shaking his head to clear it.

 

“Jack, hit me.”

 

Raiden’s nose wrinkled. “I told you, no sex until you clean yourself up.”

 

“Please just do it. I need to make sure I am not still dreaming.” 

 

There must’ve been something convincing in the tone of his voice, because the moment Sam stepped within range of Raiden’s fists, he was clocked in the jaw hard enough to send him reeling. Raiden had held back- in his cyborg body, he could’ve easily shattered Sam’s mandible- but it still stung, the force and the pain of the blow more than enough to assure Sam that he was indeed awake. 

 

“Thank you.” Sam touched a hand to his jaw gingerly, feeling out where there was already a bruise forming. “Now, could you please do me one more favor and explain what exactly is in our bathroom sink?”

 

“Really?” Raiden made a sound that was almost laughter. “I know you haven’t been around many vaginas, but I’d hope you at least recognize the one you were getting up close and personal with just last night.” 

 

He turned the page of his book, as if that should’ve answered all of Sam’s questions. As if Sam hadn’t just found his boyfriend’s detatched robotic pussy when he’d gone to brush his teeth.

 

Sam sighed. “I guess I should rephrase that. I know  _ what  _ it is- the question is, why is it there, instead of, you know, in your body?”

 

“It needed cleaning.” As if that should’ve been totally obvious. At Sam’s continued open-mouthed stare, Raiden elaborated. “You realize that you came inside of it, right? Multiple times? As much as  _ you _ might like the idea, I don’t actually find it particularly sexy to wake up in a wet puddle because I was dripping cum while I was sleeping.”

 

That... made sense, he guessed. It was still a little weird, though.

 

Sam walked back into the bathroom, but paused for a moment to stick his head out.

 

“So if it’s clean does that mean we can-”

 

“Not until  _ you _ clean up.”

 

-

 

“Seriously? It was just  _ there?” _

 

Normally, Kevin tried to keep any of the more lurid details of Raiden’s sex life as far out of his mind as was humanly possible, but when a shaken looking Sam had come up to him and promised to buy him a drink in exchange for being able to talk about some of those details, Kevin had found it difficult to say no. Halfway through his second beer, he was praying that Sam would keep the drinks coming. He really didn’t know how to keep up a conversation about his best friend’s vagina sober.

 

“Uh huh,” Sam nodded, staring wistfully at the table, tracing a finger around a water mark left there by a previous customer. “I mean, it’s not as if I am unfamiliar with his genitals, but-”

 

“Dude, you don’t have to explain.”  _ Please, please don’t explain. I’m literally begging you. Well, mentally begging at least, which should count for something.  _ “It’s a little weird. Not exactly sure what the proper reaction is to something like that. What are you gonna do?”

 

Sam seemed to consider it for a moment. Then, he shrugged. 

 

“Nothing, I guess,” he said. “What is there  _ to  _ do? Jack may be somewhat less flesh and blood than you or I, but he still has to care about hygiene issues. And if I wish to continue my relationship with him as it is right now, I would do well to accept this sooner rather than later.” He downed the rest of his beer, and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “It is, however, nice to have someone to confide in about this.” 

 

“Thanks, I think. You’re being pretty mature about this, dude.” Kevin himself wasn’t exactly sure how he’d’ve responded. Probably would’ve freaked out slightly more, though. But Sam was right.

 

“Sometimes I feel like you Maverick people have such a low opinion of me,” Sam said, snorting derisively “I’m a bigger man than you think. If Jack needs to get clean, unorthodox ways are far better than allowing himself to remain dirty and uncomfortable.”

 

With a nod of acquiescence, Kevin turned back to his drink. For a moment, it was just a nice moment at a bar, between two people who’d started to develop a sort of strange friendship. Kevin wasn’t quite sure he understood it, but anyone buying him drinks and treating his best friend the way he deserved to be treated was alright in his books. Even if Sam could be weird at times. Smiling, Kevin gulped down two big swallows of beer.

 

“Plus, it vibrates.”

 

He had to clamp his lips down very,  _ very _ hard to avoid spitting his drink everywhere, eyes widening in complete and utter terror. Holy  _ shit. _

 

When Kevin had regained enough of his composure to be sure that he would speak in actual words rather than embarrassing squeaking noises, he raised a hand, summoning the bartender as quickly as possible.

 

“Another beer, please.” He pointed at Sam. “On his tab.”

  
If he drank enough on Sam’s dollar, maybe he could forget everything he had just learned.

**Author's Note:**

> on tumblr @rhysgore


End file.
